This weight on my heart is still too much to bear.

On January 24th, 2012, Christine David, one of my best friends since 7th grade…physically left from this world. I didn’t think I’d lose someone else dear to me less than a year later. When my sister woke me up that fateful night to tell me the news, she couldn’t bring herself to tell me at first. She opened my door, softly said my name, and being the light sleeper I am, I woke up, but I was half-asleep. I noticed she was crying. There were other times when she’d come into my room and wake me up because she had just had a nightmare and wanted to sleep with me…so I asked her what was wrong and if she had a nightmare. She started crying harder. I was starting to get concerned.

The next three words made me realize it was a real-life nightmare that had just happened. “Christine passed away.”

My eyes were fixated on my sister, who was now kneeling down and crying uncontrollably. I just stared at her blankly in disbelief, laying motionless in bed. No tears, no words spoken, no gasps, no sighs…I couldn’t process what I had just heard, but I was wide awake by this time. She yelled some words of despair, words of frustration…not once did my eyes wander from her.

Finally, I sat up and looked out the window. Without warning, the tears started streaming down my face and the next thing I knew, I could barely breathe. All the memories I shared with Christine started playing at the speed of light through my mind, and I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that I wouldn’t be able to make more with her. I hadn’t felt that much distress since my dad passed away on March 6th, 2011.

Falling back asleep was impossible, until I finally forced myself to sleep at 4am. When I woke up at 6:30am for school, I just lay in bed and stared at the ceiling for what seemed like eternity. It didn’t feel like, “Oh, just another ordinary school day.” It felt so unreal, so weird, so different. The only thing I could feel was that life…was suddenly lifeless.

I knew I couldn’t afford to miss class so I just forced myself to go, and I couldn’t even focus in class. I was listening to what the teacher was saying and I was reading what she wrote on the board, but I wasn’t comprehending anything. I wasn’t mentally there. I kept zoning out and thinking about her. My mind was focused on her and I found myself tearing up right there in class. I just refuse to believe that I will never see her again in this life. I know I’ll see her again when my times comes, but honestly, no matter what anyone says, it’s simply not the same.

Funny how when people have unnerving experiences in which they lose a loved one, they promise to make more of an effort to keep in touch with those they hold dear, because they realize even more that people can meet their end at any time. Even if they do try to make an effort, after awhile, that effort slowly fades and they become wrapped up in their own lives again.

Maybe that’s their way of trying to “forget” that they really did lose a loved one. Maybe that’s their way of coming to terms with the fact that death is inevitably part of life. Or maybe, in some odd way, that’s their way of telling themselves that they will not lose another loved one, that we will all live forever or die at the same exact moment. Maybe that’s their way of accepting to live in denial.

Unfortunately, school and work are essential in making it in this selfish world. But if it is even the slightest bit possible, let’s not focus so much on school and work, and focus more on our relationships with people. Let’s try to fight the inevitable and spend more time with our loved ones, and keep making an effort to do so — even if it’s just a comment or a 10-minute phone call.

Let’s not leave this life thinking that more could have been said or done.